where is the end?

At first, i never dare to tell my parents about my suicidal impulses before until last night. i realised i want to stay alive yet the other side of me does not. suicide is a very selfish act yet i believed if you come to that point, that means nothing you gonna care anymore. you could care about nothing, eg whoever think of whatever after you die. the only thing you ever care is end this ordeal, just tired of everything, so what would you care anymore. after all everyone dies. i miss him, but he does not love me anymore. i wish he can come to see the psy doctor with me too. so he can ease his pressure on his family, his son, and his work.....most of all his last marriage. he is in so much pressure that he put them all on me by picking on me on everything move or words that i said. its like a psycological depression bomb when once i stepped into the house. i feel that i cannot breath over that roof. everything i do nor say became so much pressure on me. a piece of hair, a misplace of any item, household failure all are my fault, even if i tried to take medicine to save myself is a fault. how could i live like this. how could anyone??????????????? life goes on like this is a pain, life goes on with/without him is ordeal. maybe ending this life would be the best way??????????????


another lonely night
05jul2006LAX

time to admit

it has been such a long time since my last smile, life has not been easy at all.

i was a person but nobody knows.i am just a person sitting on a empty chair.

today is the first time that i admit i have depression, i told my family becasue i am scared and i want to face it for the first time since one year ago.

no one seems to understand how it really feel not to be able to sleep, nor eat, nor breath properly,especially when the closest person in your life does not understand this pain at all. you would never know until you start loosing your health guadually,its like a hidden disease that eating you bit by bit.it is not a non common illness, its like a turtle walking along the very edges of a cliff, you could never know when would it gonna happen,nor whats gonna happen next. the one thing that you want is to be able to fall asleep, it sounds rather easy to everyone on a everyday life routine. but its extremely painful if thats the only thing which is not happening at all.

if life goes on like this is no longer a life, its an ordeal. if life goes on like this, what a life! if life goes on like this, is life itself worth to live? if living like this, is it worth it to be alive?



in the middle of an extremely dark night in LAX 03jul2006 LAX 0:39am

closer & closer

TODAY

he said to me that he never loved me, i forced him to marry me

and he loves someone else.

death seems to be getting extremely close by.



01jul2006 HKG